Policemen vs. Sex Addicts

“It’s not my fault I’m a sex addict!”
That’s what he said to the policemen while they were grabbing hold of him.
The weird thing was I did believe him, so I jumped in: “It’s true officer, he is!”
I felt so sorry for the guy, although I had taken a swing at him 5 minutes ago.

Things got nasty because he was trying to flirt with my girlfriend. Well, not actually my girlfriend, she was more like my date for the night.
Don’t get me wrong, I would love her to be my girlfriend, but she ain’t single. I’m not sure where that leaves me…
However he almost felt her up, but before he even could think of it I took a swing at him. Before we knew, we were standing outside.

Everyone had managed to break out in a fight for some reason. Not that it had anything to do with us.
Next thing I know the coppers arrived, and we had to come along for interrogation.
My date was gone, and I was sitting in the police office with some pervert I hardly even knew.
One of the policemen spoke to me, the fat one, who’s name probably was Larry because he was a fat cop who liked donuts.

“So you would like to state that this riot took place, just because he is a sex addict?”
“No, not at all sir”, I replied. “He’s saying it’s not his fault because he is, and I believe him. Therefore I shall forgive him.”
“However,” I continued, “this whole riot thing has nothing to do with us.”
Larry spoke again: “So you’re stating you have absolutely nothing to do with this?”
“No we don’t”, I replied. “But you tried to punch our little perv here, ain’t that correct?”
“Yes it is, but suddenly everyone was fighting for a different reason.”

“Very weird”, said Larry. “However since we don’t have any evidence I will let you go, but don’t run off! We might need you for further questioning.”
I was glad we dodged this one. I was glad I dodged it. For the fun of it I won’t tell you what actually happened. But I’ll admit I might have something to do with it. Furthermore, I would like to apologize to any Sex Addicts hurt during the telling of this story.

Jonny out.

 

Sandwiches and Tornadoes

The little sandwich bar is 2 doors away from a place where my sister used to live. In a time long gone, where she was still ‘studying’.
Yet today I went for a sandwich. Not because I wanted one, that would have been silly.
No,I went because the guy owning the shop used to be very friendly. So whenever I pass by and the idea pops up, I step in.
Oh and yes, the sandwiches. They are very nice too. Otherwise it would be such a waste of money.
One last reason why you might get a sandwich over there is because the place is called the Blue Wish.
I know, it sounds like it’s some kind of burlesque house. But it isn’t, it’s just a sandwich bar.

Since it was still early I was the only customer, “Hello,” I said.
“Oh hi,” the manager replied, ” do you want a sandwich? “
No I’m looking for a plumber…”Of course, one club sandwich please!” I replied as if it was going to be my last meal.
“So you’re going to study journalism?” the manager asked while he was preparing my sandwich.
Just to play along, I replied: “Yes, ….maybe. How do you know?”
“Your sister came here yesterday,” he said as if that was an interesting fact.
“Oh what a surprise,” I smiled.

The next thing I know he was talking about how it’s easy for writers to sit in their chair and comment on everything.
I coult have told him if he thought it was so ‘easy’ he should have a go at it perhaps. But I didn’t, ’cause I wanted him to make me my sandwich.
Nevertheless he managed to tell me another boring story about some American general who killed 15 black man or something like that.
I wouldn’t know since I wasn’t listenening, well I tried but I just failed to pick up enough words to decode his murmering.

I paid the man and just as I was about to leave he said: “Your hair is short.”
“Yeah it’s decent,” I replied, “isn’t it?”
What a nice way to close a conversation, I just love it when people state the obvious as if they have just disproven Einstein’s E =MC².
Oh well, I’ve had a new theory lately; maybe I can’t find the edge because I’m not much of a U2 fan. You tell me.
How I would love to be the little swirling tornado in the middle of a Duvel.

If you lack imagination, here’s a picture:

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/419222_3258990627337_1044272881_33143362_1931647467_n.jpg

Hang in there

Jonny

The good old switcheroo

Here I am again. I fell on the ground but someone picked me up and dusted me off. I guess that someone was me.
Yet another crisis to face these days, it is not easy. Even the cops are involved in this one.
Once again my laptop got stolen. It must have happened while me and 2 other people were busy loading a draught system into my car.
Eventually I didn’t notice my laptop was gone, even though I got into my place 2 more times.

No, I did not notice it while I was sober, but while I was drunk. A friend just had dropped me of at my place because I had been vomiting.
“Get some sleep” he told me. As soon as he closed the door I wanted to watch something before I went to sleep.
It was then I noticed my laptop was gone. So the first thing I did was going back to the bar where we had been.
Upon my arrival the cops were right on my tail, they asked for my license, so I knew I was fucked.

I had no permission to drive after 10 p.m. on a friday plus I was mighty drunk.
Basically I could have been banned from driving a car for 2 years, but that was none of my concern.
“Officer, some guy stole my laptop! first I’m going after him, then I’ll deal with this…” I must have said something like that.
While one of them started yelling: “So, you’re not even allowed to drive right now…”, I ran away before they could act.

Having passed beyond the point of freaking out,
I ran straight inside the bar and started making a scene in front of everyone, screaming and probably even crying.
Almost immediately two guys reacted and dragged me out. I don’t know who took care of it but the cops gave me back my licence.
So my friends drove me back home and put me back in bed. I still hadn’t calmed down, so as soon as they left I called the cops to record
my statement on the stolen laptop. I was still freaking out, drunk and not able to be reasonable at all.
Regardless, the cops managed to filter a decent statement from all the crap I was spraying over them.

Based on that statement they searched my friends’ car that same night, where of course they found nothing. I had been irrational all the time.
Meanwhile I have some more plausible theories on the stolen laptop numero dos. But I’m sure you will feel the blow in all your little toes .
Furthermore I would like to clarify why my laptop is such a loss, regardless it’s value in money.
All my new shit was on there, it held approximately 15 possible new songs, an unfinished scenario, copies of all my letters,…
Now I have to go over all the same shit again I went through about 4 months ago, life is really unfair sometimes.

Oh and yes, about the switcheroo thing;
We have decided I get my sisters’ worn out piece of shit laptop, and she (the girl on the job) will buy herself a new one.
Fuck my life.

Sincerely,

Jonny

P.S. : I’m looking for a new bassplayer. The old one decided to quit. First gig is in one month.

 

Leaving the camp of death

It was the cleaning lady who awoke me from my coma-resembling sleep.
Hearing her say “I’m sorry” as I opened my eyes. “No problem” replied a voice from the depth.
As I came to my senses I remembered shards of the day before. I had seen some of the by far most shocking things of my life.
I think I never really understood how it could come to such extermination until I saw all the evidence out there.

But that was none of my concern right now, since I had a fabulous headache.
Not the kind of headache that makes you want to turn around and sleep, but a more gentle one.
Looking at the time I saw it was half past twelve, so I had missed my appointment.

So there I was laying on a sofa in a hotel room,in a strange cold city. A city I had tried to discover.
Foggy as I felt more things started to come back. I was quite drunk last night. I kissed a Polish girl who barely spoke any English.
The annoying thing was she was always nodding, giving you the impression she understood you. But she didn’t.
This girl was not alone, she carried around a male friend, who looked like he was one of the girls, if you know what I mean.

Strangely enough he walked up to me, with the following message to share: “You should leave her alone, she doesn’t like you.”
I decided to hunt down the truth, so I asked the girl in the most simple words I could find. Turns out this guy was lying.
Drunk as I was, I started a discussion. “Is this your girlfriend?” I asked him. “No” did he reply in his most convincing way.
“So, do you love this girl than?” I tried again. “Yes” he said. “So you don’t want me to kiss her?”….”No”.
Obviously I didn’t care, all I was doing was showing myself and the lady a good time, without any intentions…

Time had come to point something out to this guy: ” If you really love this girl, you wouldn’t have let all this happen. You’re a fucking faggot if you don’t stand up for yourself.” Guess what, he gave me the finger. I don’t like being given the finger, so I got a hold of it and almost broke it.
Now I was out of control, and I kept repeating the same discourse over and over again.
My travelling companions were starting to get annoyed by my behaviour. They told me I should come with them and let it all rest. And leave the poor guy alone.
Not minding them at all, I fiercely continued. The faggot in this story started to look more and more as if he was going to throw up.
Five minutes later he did.As soon as it had all exploded it vanished with a small bang, following a short laugh. A bang like a fart, but less funny

Currently I was trying to regain the memories of coming back to the hotel. But I failed to recall.
I decided to get up for taking a shower as it would wash of the gentle hangover bestowed upon myself.
After all this misery I went into town all by myself and decided to get something to eat in the Bull Pub.
There were only a few people inside, mostly loners like me. An occasional couple here and there, all minding their own business.
So did I mind my own. Reading the “Krakow Post” and looking at footage from a ’94 Norwhich-Everton game.
All in all it was quite replenishing, and the food was cheap and decent.

Night was allready falling in over town, but I felt ready….

To be continued….

Jonny

Before I go

Excited as a little boy for his first summercamp I was unable to sleep. Realizing I had only 2 more hours left I decided to get up.
Was it the excitement for the travelling or just the feeling I still had some cleaning up to do? A bit of both I guess, so here goes….

First semester finals were finally over so we had some huge party, like mean, (un)clean partying-machines.
That night I almost forgot I had to see my boss the next day. The reason I had to go was far from clear, although I had heared some rumours.
Rumours, about I being fired because I tend to involve myself with drugs and drugs-related people. Something most of my collegues didn’t seem to find cool. However what concerned me more was that I heared my boss was trying to find out who was “behind all this”, meaning who sold the drugs.
The truth is simple, in this city drugs are everywhere. So there is no answer to be found.

What was even more concerning is that I told far too many details about myself and friends to a person in charge at work.
This one person was someone who directly reported to the big boss if something was wrong. Nevertheless I trusted her, since we had a cool team and I am such a fool that believes honesty is something conspicious.

But apparently someone has been a big tattle tale . So when I opened my eyes the next day I realized there were only two hours before the meeting. So I chickened out and sent a message to him I was at home, 70 km away. Immediatly I got a call to answer my message, he told me about the rumours he heared, and about some stupid argument I had with SOMEONE during work on New Year. An argument I didn’t even think of as an argument since it was too foolish. To put it more briefly, the argument was a drunk women freaking out. And we all know that can occur for no reason.

At least my escape plan had worked, I had diverted a hearing and therefore managed to protect my friends. So there I was, left with no job, but with dignity. Now it is important for you all to read between the li(n)es of the story above and strip it down to it’s bare core.
At first hand my bosses and collegues liked me, they were satisfied with the way I did my job, so quite satisfied in general.
Then they got to know more about my persona, my edge-seeking behaviour. Perhaps they look at me now and they see a swirling black hole,instead of me.

I pitty them, with their work ethics and their alcohol problems. Those people that think it is all about the money in the end I will not miss.
The people I do miss are the people that were in it for the same reason as I was. The true beasts.
It’s funny how in such a crazy world the quality of your work is forgotten when people start to think you are crazy.
So I guess there will be no more bartending for this young guy. After three different jobs, with different crazy collegues, and different crazy customers, I decide to call it quits.

The other day I went for a little night drive, with the girl that has hazel eyes. “We’re getting old” she said. I smiled and asked her another cigarette.
Yes we are, I thought. We are all children of a society that’s overgrown with people, buildings, cars and envy. Old and young, we’re all children.
How I’d like to be a drunken scooterdriver, ran over by a car.

Excuse me, but I have a plane to catch…

Jonny

On my way back

A lot has changed since the day that crazy little fish died. It must be a week ago by now….
The storm has been gathering, truths and lies starting to entangle…
Meanwhile they have managed to create a web around me.

Two worlds are about to colide…yes I’ve managed to make a mess again.
A serious mess, one is not able to deal with alone…
Yet I have to, although I could have seen it coming.
In the end we do it to ourselves, trying to keep up the pressure and being all those persons everyone expects us to be.

But not me, not anymore. I’ve seen too many people getting lost to end up likewise.
The truth is not always as important as it seems, as long as there is enough money to count.
I’m going to lay some things down and pick up the important ones.

Because that’s all what matters in the end, what matters to us.

Time to lay off the pressure, before I crash and burn.

See you on the racetrack

Jonny

I love mondaynights…

Today it was yet another day, a monday to put it more precisely.
Another day for Jonny to explore parts of the human mind. But first he had to walk away from the crooked forest…
Nonetheless the weekend treated me well. Not too much, not too less, just nice and inbetween.

Lately though, I have been wondering more and more about our upcoming show and recordings.
It excites me a lot, yet it haunts my dreams. Will all be as good as I picture it in my mind? Only one way to find out.
Meanwhile a lot of studying is going on. And my mechanic fetched my stolen car today.

Saturday I paid a visit to my designer, who I will call The Owl for the occasion.
The Owl is wise yet he is an outcast of society. But don’t get me wrong on this one, he knows what he is.
So we started brainstorming a bit, while we smoked some joints and listened to some Tool and Babyshambles.
Some good ideas surfaced, so I left him alone to do his thing…

I have not spoken to him ever since, because I was too occupied with my consience. However I’m checking boxes,
box after box, so actually I’m doing great! At least that’s what we all have to believe, right?
For the remaining time I’ll spend this mondaynight with drinking some of the finest champagne…

Greetings from Yugoslavia

Jonny

P.S. : venetian snares

The dude, the buzzkill and the cockblock.

So today was yet another day for me, and therefore for everyone.
I got up far too early to go and get my stolen car, which has been recoverd by our splendid police force! *ahum*
All said and done, we drove to the sad town where they had found my stolen car, which looked exactly like my new car.
The only difference being that the stolen one is black.

We arrived at the police station. The cop at the reception was one of the less witty people put on this planet. Probably the nephew of some high-ranked officer. So he said “Are you in a hurry? Because I’m busy with this lady. “No, no problem I’ll wait” I replied.
Ofcourse I did not wait for this silly guy to help me, so I took the stairs and rang the bell hanging in the corridor where the offices started.
“Yes?” said a menly women while peaking from behind the door. ” I come to retrieve my stolen car, I allready called, they should know about it.” I said “Ok right this way sir.” said the hermaphrodite.

After taking a brief statement from me, the policewoman showed us to my car. It was under a railroad bridge near the station. Located in one of the most sad, gray and industrialized cities you have ever seen. My car was filthy and it looked even worse because of the sad environment.
Since we had no spare key my mechanic was supposed to change the lock. So he started to decompose the dashboard so he could have a closer look to the wiring. As I had no interest in this at all I decided to walk a bit around in this gray and depressing city.

Luckily I had a joint on me so I fired it up. It was not even noon but still I didn’t care. Since I was stuck in this city waiting for my mechanic to fix this car so we could take it with us. I started wondering and thinking about a lot of things. And how my life was showing movie characteristics again these days. Furthermore, I was looking at the people who where gazing at us in disbelief, since my mechanic was working on a car with two wheel clamps on it. Yes, it must have been a funny sight, however no cops showed up.

After what seemed like 4 hours (it took 2 hours) my mechanic decided that it would be impossible to take the car with us today, so we returned home. There he had to take a look at my new car because it was making a creepy noise. Turned out one of the wheels wasn’t screwed on properly, so I could have died. Imagine losing a wheel at 120 km/h….
However the day had not yet passed, since it was noon. So I decided to visit my niggerfriend. He told me about the dude, the buzzkill and the cockblock. I can tell you it’s not easy with all those bitches around, they’re so distracting. What all guys need is a good wingmen, and my niggerfriend definitely missed me that one time!

We should focus on the music, instead of becoming another product of society. The child of a world that is overgrown with people, buildings, cars and envy…

Regards,

Mister Fuse

It’s better to have 1 car than…wait a minute!

So I don’t know if I allready mentioned when there was broken into my place.
They got away with my laptop, a guitar, a basguitar and….my carkeys.
Therefore also my car.

Some months went by and for newyear my parents surprised me with a new car, the same model, but younger. To put it briefly this car is even better. So I just received the car and I was cruising in it for the first time, when suddenly I had an incoming call: “Hello this is Inspector Gadget (name censored). We have found your car that was stolen 4 months ago.” “Well thank you!” I replied “I just bought a new one.”

All it had missing was the radio, the cd’s in it and the battery. But my carguy has to look at it first…
Funny as this story may seem now I have to deal with having two cars, which is kind of cool but still unnecessary, and expensive.
I’ll let you know how it feels to be reunited with my first love, soon enough.

Sincerely,
Jonny

P.S.: Won’t you fix my lighthouse?

About venereal diseases, Tokyo and studying

It’s even harder to explain someone they got an STD (non-lethal) from someone else as to convince them they gave it to you. Like it’s harder to convince yourself you love someone than to convince that one you love her. Still I’d rather fall in love.

The other day I took a cab, because it was raining and I didn’t want to go through the park at night… Not that I have so much money that I can afford to take cabs all the time, because they are ridiculously expensive. But for that money you get the feeling you’re some kind of star, with it’s own driver…. Until you get disposed on the sidewalk at place of destination. At that moment you realize you’re just another stupid, shitting seven shades of gray, every day…

So I haven’t been writing much lately, since I had to study. Sidenote: for everyone with libido-related problems, go study! At least some of us get horny studying. You know it’s so hard not to think about sex when you can’t think about it? This is one of those cases, intensified by a million.
Also haven’t had much time to spend on rehearsing or writing, still I have found some time to put another couple of songs up my sleeve.

Last time I read a nice quote from a fellow musician, stating : “I won’t stop before I’ve played in Tokyo….”
That’s quite a nice thing to say, don’t you agree? For myself I can say I second this statement, and I will live by it.
So much plans evolving in my head but not a lot of movement, you’ll hear more about my evil plans later.

Sincerely,

Jonny

P.S.: el camino